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i tried words

by moriah bailey (fka sun riah)

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gwagwagwe You in a concrete barrel, our screams, the violence. Will will never forget what y’all did for these sandstone hills and our Mother. Courage in the downpour of our hopes and dreams. Thank you for all you have done. Our truth. We will shelter you always.
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1.
the floor fell out from under me. can't believe i'm not dancing anymore. count to four, take a breath, count to three, and feel the soaring sound of your footsteps approaching me. take my hand and i’ll try to keep my legs from twitching, my heart from switching beats. there is a steady pulse that guides us between the notes that unfold and eyes that hold hazy hearts and wishful thoughts of all that could be as i stumble into you, as you catch me. the room spun round our feet. fall and falter, trying to maintain my strength. count to four, take a breath, count to three, and feel the steady pulse of your breath guiding me. take my hand and i’ll try to keep my legs from twitching, my heart from switching beats. there is a steady pulse, a tension between the space of our bodies and the strength of my knees. shaky hands, trying to land on my feet as i stumble into you, as you catch me. your lips in their roundness, your arms in their soundness, your breath is the pulse that i need. your touch guides me to believe. take my hand and i’ll try to keep my legs from twitching, my heart from switching beats. there is a steady pulse that guides us between the notes that unfold and eyes that hold hazy hearts and wishful thoughts of all that could be…
2.
you rocked me to sleep with your steady breathing, cradled in your arms as i was heady dreaming. then you knocked out my breath with your appeals to reason. how do i reason this out? waiting this season out. will it stay another day, or will i wait myself blank? what am i to you? woman, mother, lover, or bird? how many tasks must i perform to prove my worth? what am i to you? woman, mother, lover, or bird? i tried talking, i tried asking, i tried words, but you still get me confused? you whispered my name through the wind-brushed strings, surround your floating words, try to ease the sting of air that brings bitter notes, sour tones, a late spring. what am i to you? woman, mother, lover, or bird? how many tasks must i perform to prove my worth? what am i to you? woman, mother, lover, or bird? i tried talking, i tried asking, i tried words… i love everything about you; i love everything you do. i love all the words that surround you; i love the people around you too. i love your mother, i love your sister, i love you. i love everything about you except the way you treat me.
3.
The Downpour 04:40
you expect me to wait for you, or maybe i just do, i’ve lost track of my footing. i smell the rain coming; should i take off running? or will the green be worth the storm? i’ll stay until i can’t anymore. lightning in the distance, counting down the thunder’s footsteps, i’ll soon be caught in the downpour, but i’ll stay until i can’t anymore. and when the rain comes roaring in, there’ll be no one left to blame. i should have planned better. i should have packed a second sweater. i should have prepared for the wait ’cause i’ll stay until i can’t anymore. you expect me to wait for you, or maybe i just do, i’ve lost track of my truth. i know i should take shelter, i should run from these storms, but i’ll stay until i can’t anymore.
4.
you say come out and play. i say i’d rather stay inside today. you think my mind is clay that you can just mold and shape, so you say... you say it's in my head, so why don't i just change all of it? you say it's not that bad, so why don't i just make the best of it? you say don’t stay away. i say okay despite my better sense. i have begun to rot buried in wounded thoughts, days spent in hiding spots, i forgot to water the plants and change my socks. and if it's in my head, why can’t i just change all of it? and if it’s not that bad, why can’t i just make the best of it? and if you're in my head, and if you're in my head, and if you're in my head, why won’t you just go away?
5.
i’ve been drinking in the evenings and knocking back the nights. a little darkness, or is it a little light? i was hoping on the ocean life to pull through. turns out i’ll have to say goodbye real soon. and we’re all running real fast at nothing left to lose, so you turned your gaze to the moon. i’ll throw freedom in the wash, and sip on the morning hues. red, yellow, golden, true. purple, green, alarm clock, noon. highways and byways, still following you to a gulf stream of goodbyes and empty tunes. i was hoping on the ocean life to pull through. turns out i’ll have to say goodbye real soon. and we’re all running real fast at nothing left to lose, so you turned your gaze to the moon. won’t you please let be the moon? can’t you please let be the moon? can’t you please let be the moon? the moon has got loved ones too.
6.
drafting, crafting, planning my words. trying to shape them so they don’t hurt, and as i’m working, wording, trying to please, i lose track of the space between your wants and my needs. so, i am digging, pulling, curating the strength to bludgeon your wants in defense of me. i’m trembling, shaking, frightened, a mess. but my father, he always said: snakes are more scared of you than you are of them. snakes are more scared of you than you are of them.
7.
i know it seems like i'm asking a lot. can you see past yourself to all of me you forgot? can you try to remember i have a human heart? and i'm just doing my best to learn my part? i know you know i've never been good at saying no. seated behind you, pull up beside you, try to remind you that i will rise and fall from your expectations of she ’cause i will never be all the things you want from me. and i will rise and exceed your expectations of she ’cause i refuse to carry all the things you put on me: woman, mother, lover, bird. my song lingers unheard, left here repeating my mother's words: you can never say yes if you can't say no, you can never say yes if you can't say no, you can never say yes if you can't say no, so, my friend, it's time for me to go.
8.
Not Staying 03:30
what is this that you’re saying? i don’t care i’m not staying ‘cause even when we’re in the same place our minds are miles away. we keep trying to bridge the space between right now and fond memories… i once thought that we would be old people in each other’s company. we’d walk arm in arm and forget the hard parts of bearing her and raising her and sending her off. and as we’d watch her walk away you’d squeeze my hand and say, “don’t worry, everything is going to be okay.” but now i don’t believe a word you’re saying so, i’m sorry, but i’m not staying. i contorted my body and stretched myself thin to form a bridge between now and when. so, as i’m gathering my strength to say goodbye, please quit saying i should’ve tried.

about

'i tried words' began with words, mostly words. Moriah Bailey laid the lyrics out on several pages. The words were crafted over many months with feedback from Bailey’s sister and input from the growing melodies and body of music that began to take shape around those words. The contributing musicians, Sarah Reid (violin), Ryan Robinson (percussion), and Ricky Tutaan (guitar), recorded their own parts and sent them to Bailey. The result is lush, intricate arrangements that complement a solid base of harp and vocals.

The album explores perceived dualities: yes/no, future/past, darkness/light, giving/taking, masculinity/femininity, wants/needs. It is in part about Moriah Bailey’s struggle to learn healthy boundaries but also about the harmfulness, complexity, and entanglement of many social boundaries.

With 'i tried words,' Bailey relies less on experimental sounds, and instead, lyrically focuses on her struggles to understand and make sense of definitions and expectations of femininity. It explores these themes through an intimate narrative of losing oneself in a relationship and struggling to find a way out of the relationship.

The album ends with a triumphant goodbye and joyous new beginning in “Not Staying.” She sings: “I contorted my body and stretched myself thin to form a bridge between now and when. So, as I'm gathering my strength to say goodbye, please quit saying I should've tried.”

credits

released December 2, 2022

all songs written by m. bailey stephenson
violin arranged and performed by sarah reid
percussion arranged and performed by ryan robinson
harp and vocals arranged and performed by m. bailey stephenson
guitar arranged and performed by ricky tutaan
mixed and mastered by chris harris of harrilon media
cake, photos of cake, and album art by angela renee chase
photos of moriah bailey by bridget stephenson

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moriah bailey (fka sun riah) Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

(mostly) heavy-hearted, (mostly) harp songs.

fka sun riah
aka m. bailey stephenson

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